Women’s Life: Has Time Stopped for the Women of India
Women’s life in India may seem almost unreal to the Western reader. When a girl is born, many parents consider it a burden or even a curse: they have to protect the girl, making sure that she is a virgin before marriage; when she gets married, parents have to pay dowry – money, houses, cars, and jewelry – sometimes going over 60,000 pounds. An Indian woman explained that having a girl came with many strings attached. It is a problem if the girl is pretty, but it is also a problem if she is not. If a girl is seen talking to a boy, it is a shame for the family. Getting pregnant before marriage is a big NO-NO. Not having children after marriage is another trial for women and their families – childless women are considered ill-fated and not allowed to participate in various ceremonies. If a young woman does not have children during the first years of married life, everyone will start asking why this is happening. People stop inviting her and may even avoid her on the street (she brings bad luck). A woman giving birth to a baby girl is another problem. And – it seems it is a problem to be a woman in India.
History had not pampered the women of India. They were forbidden to study the Vedas, and their place was confined to domestic chores and reproduction. In fact, some were given away as slaves or sex-slaves in case that their husbands or parents could not pay off their debts. Wearing veils was compulsory in high society and the remarriage of widows was abolished. Widows were forced to shave their heads, remove all jewelery, and wear white dresses. In some cases, they were burnt together with the husband’s corpse – a practice called Sati.
In history, women were married as early as the age of ten. Even now, early marriages are preferred as they make sure that women are kept under male control: they don’t really have choice over birth control, health and education, ‘leading to a life of domestic and economic subservience’ (Times of India, 15 September, 2006). The findings of a 2001 Census are not surprising: almost 35 percent of the women of India are married between the age of 15 and 18.
Statistics reveal a dire picture. The Lancet reported that selective abortion and prenatal selection were resulting in the loss of half a million girls a year. More than 10 million girls had been ‘lost’ during the past 2 decades. In view of that, the government stepped up and banned the identification of the child’s sex in the mother’s womb. Although the ban on selective abortion reduces the chances of future birth-related complications, maternal mortality is strikingly high. In fact, it is the second highest worldwide (between 385 and 487 per every hundred thousand live births).
Traditional upbringing is still the norm in some families. During puberty, girls in some rural areas are denied adequate food as parents believe this is the way to keep their desires under control. Some parents go to extremes and don’t allow girls to consume vegetables, garlic, eggs, sweets, etc. because they ‘aggravate sexual interest’. A young woman explained that she was not allowed to dress neatly and comb her hair when going to school: ‘no hair pins, no color bands, or matching colors, otherwise, it meant I was seeing someone’. She was not allowed to leave her house except for going to school – not even showing her face through the window. ‘My mother still doesn’t allow wearing t-shirts and skirts while at home because the maid might copy that,’ she ends with a smile.
Women’s life in India revolves around married life and home responsibilities. This is not surprising, given the fact that half of the women are illiterate. Some educated women try to work from home (look for jobs over the internet, write articles and take various tasks that are outsourced). Some dare working outside the home. However, an Indian woman pointed that many husbands were suspicious that their wives’ colleagues might turn out sexually aggressive, demanding more than a casual conversation. And the chances are that a fair part of the male colleagues might actually do it. With arranged marriages, if the couple doesn’t know each other yet, husbands might get suspicious and blame their wives for being unfaithful.
It is generally accepted that the woman has to be a virgin before marriage. Most men will not marry a woman who has had a premarital affair. And even if they marry a woman who ‘did it’, they will nag on her for the ‘wrongdoing’.
It is a traditional practice to give dowry when marrying off one’s daughter. Yet, extortions for more money and dowry killings are among the crimes related to this practice. Dowry killings have increased in number from 6,822 in 2002 to 7,026 in 2004. As a part of an attempt to promote dowry free marriages, the Cooperative Department of Kerala has started providing low interest loans to parents who don’t give dowry when marrying their daughters.
Second marriage is not accepted by many. Girls are considered week if they remarry because it means that they can’t keep their sexual desires under control. With men, family members will even urge them to remarry because they can’t stay alone. Women’s remarriage is not among the options society approves of – women should be able to live alone. If a girl remarries, it is better to move to another place where no one knows her. Even then, the woman’s family and relatives may refuse to see and talk to her.
Many have read about arranged marriages: for women of India, they are still the rule. Love marriages are not generally accepted and girls end up marrying a partner of their parents’ choice. Even now, women who divorce, widows, women abandoned by their husbands, and childless women are not accepted by society and not invited to casual get-togethers, family reunions, and celebrations.
Arranged marriages have gotten high tech and parents began to discover an array of dating websites where they can place their daughter’s profile. American Indian Journalist Anita Jain explains that this is ‘a natural extension of how things have been done in India for decades.’ (New York Magazine, 21 May 2005). For many years, parents have been coupling their children via matrimonial ads in the national newspapers.
Jain explains that American Indian women have been straddling the two dating worlds. When dating an Indian man, she would share her view of domestic responsibilities right from the beginning. With Indian-style dating, both partners are certain what the endgame is. This comes with a certain relief. Other forms of dating offer seemingly limitless options. And – I may add – disappointment may await at every corner. Or the partner of your dreams.
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